Six men in a bus.

06:57 02/07/2011.

Possibly my last will and testament.

So the adventure starts, 15 minutes late but starts all the same. A mini bus full of testosterone and aftershave heading to the border. When I first thought about doing the three peaks, Ben Nevis, snowdon and scarfell pike, I thought it would be a laugh. Now I am not so sure. (my god someone is wearing JOOP!) well I am all set, got my adventure boots (booty boos) my adventure hat, my adventure trousers, adventure shirt and last but not least my adventure tie. Can't climb a mountain without a tie I'm sure that's some kind of law. Let's see how long people last before the talk turns to porn shall we.

08:43

well we just stopped for breakfast at one little shitty motorway service thing, overpriced coffee and all that jazz. Brought my own so don't have to eat that crap. Attempted to sleep for a bit in the van but just ended up listening to slackbladder goes forth. The conversation did turn to porn in the services, something about Kate Middleton having a cumcup butt, think I can see how that works. Second shift.

13:23

well just got back on the road after a pub lunch of fish and chips on the shore of loch lomand, with the added extra of two pint of the finest. We picked up the last member of our gang so now the fellowship is complete. There is far to much sports talk on this trip and we have to get to the bottom of Nevis by the time the boxing starts even if it means starting another walk in the dark and on the night of a new moon as well. So far sleep has been far from easy and I think it will continue to be. My brothers feet are a wee bit stinky already and he's only been driving. They will all have the pleasure of my smell joys tonight and me with no door eaters, tut tut.

15:16

we have reached 'The Ben' and now it is time to start to get ready for the charge up the mountain. Now I start to thing why the fuck do we do this to ourselves, why does man( that's the male men) feel the need to prove themselves? Guess we are back to the whole penis thing that I mentioned not so long ago. The thing is that I count myself amongst these people and I am looking forward to it. Why am I? Guess it's because I need to see what my braking point is and to see if I can go past it. Next year, at the moment, I intend to either walk but more than likely ride to Marrakech and this could be counted as my tester, could it?

21:08

we started at 15:55 and got back down about twenty thirty minutes ago. Two and a half hours to the top, two hours twenty back down, mainly my fault I must say. My knee is now strapped up and I have had a few painkillers. Was this a good idea? Should I be a captain Oates and go outside for some time so I don't slow the others down? Or should I try and get some kip on this five hour drive, take some more painkillers, use some deep heat and grit my teeth and get on with it? Well my family motto is 'Why the hell not' so I guess that answers that, doesn't it? By the way I have been told that the most attractive women on the mountain was either wearing a pink top or was a blonde, who knows.
23:20

been made to listen to the boxing.

02:29 03/07/2011

just arriving a scarfell pike, my god the road is rather ropy, sheep asleep in the middle of the road and blind corners and what's even worse a dodgy driver. Let's see if we get to the base shall we?

02:55

well we are about to set off, knee not to bad but this climb is pretty much straight up and then straight down.

07:49

just call me two peaks bob, for I am a broken man. The challenge is over for me. My knee isI so painful I could hardly walk down but still. Made a fairly good time, well the boys are still on track to complete the challenge and I guess I could go to the pub. This road is awful so will write later and give a full overview of this silly idea.

i think i should end it there, much more dramatic, might make you think i had fallen off of a cliff.

well this is a little late but better late than never. this whole enterprise was fun no matter what the pain and i plan to try again next year and to do the yorkshire three peaks in september.

no recipe today as this is not a rant but an insight into an experience, i did get to the pub by the way.

please if you enjoy or even just read any of these post could you post the link on your Facebook page and give me a thumbs up. Thanks all.

The Problem with your penis is....

The Problem with your penis is ........

IT MAKES YOU A F*(&K(*G IDIOT! Either you are a blown up testosterone filled retard who is looking to fight or you are some home seeking mummies boy who can’t fight his way out of a paper bag, which is it? Hey I am all for the gym and being a little bit trimmer but do i really need man pecks like that? I am not a lumber jack! And even If I was I think there might be a song about how I should act!

I mean my penis tells me that it is still possible to fight nazi’s in Egypt and that colonialism was a good thing, but yours, well, it just tells you to do what you want and not think of others. Why is it when I see you in a pub or propping up the bar you are talking with a mouth full of s$%t? What kind of name do you want to give the male side of the species?

Talking about being on the Male Side of the force (yes another penis reference) don’t think that those with a womb will escape my wrath. A womb is also no excuse to act like a total F*(&KW(T. You also have a responsibility to others, you must also act like you care, act like you can function in the everyday world, act like a human being, even if that kind of human is not what you feel like right now. Stand in line, take one for the team, man/women up and become some part of society. This is our world and together we can make it a better place no matter what we have to suffer.

Suffering, well it doesn’t have to be an act of ones self, we can all share and with this act of sharing we can spread the despondency until it becomes one of joy, the joy of sharing, the joy of helping someone else and the joy of friendship. We can help each other and no matter what, unless you listen to your angry penis a bit to much, you are not alone, you are not the first and, by a long way, you will not be the last. Yes my penis might tell me to be Doctor Who, yes someone else’s penis told him he could win the race and these are the times to listen to that bit of sponge like flesh but it also says you are not alone, it also said forgive sins and except the hands of your brother man, it said take one for the team but don’t forget we are a team, fight nazi’s but don’t forget that without Marcus Brodie, a man who once got lost in his own museum, we might as well pack up and go home.

So when I see you next in a pub, propping up the bar or pumping iron down the gym, remember to smile. We are all part of the same humanity, we will all fight for what we think is right and more often than not we will agree. Talk to me my brothers and sisters. I might act like a C*&T at times but that doesn’t mean I am, or even that I want to act in that way. It’s just the dark side of my penis. I make no excuses but don’t forget that I love you all. A handshake is good (especially if I don’t know you) but a hug is better. Embrace old friends and embrace new ones and most of all wear sunscreen.

THAT IS ALL.

Set Phasers To Stun

Set phasers to stun, Life to disintegrate!

So been away a while, done my exams and written my ever so shoddy essays and gotten another year older, and there in lies the problem......

They, whomever they may be, have now started to say that instead of just a ‘midlife crisis’ we can now have quarter-life crisis, a midlife crisis, a three quarter-life crisis and if logic is working in this ‘they’ world a delightful just-before-death crisis, although this may just be death itself. Now I have always thought to myself that I will shuffle off this mortal coil at around thirty-six, something like that so my 1st crisis should have been when I was 9, my 2nd at 18 my 3rd at 27 and my final is rapidly approaching. So lets have a look.

When I was 9 it was errrmmmmm along time ago, 1988 I think, I mean I should know right? What kind of crisis could I have at 9? I’m thinking that a friend moved away, no real problem I’m at school so more friends there, maybe I lost my first girlfriend but even at 9 you must realise that there will be more. Or is the length of the crisis related to your age, so maybe that momentary loss of a friend or the disenchantment of seeing that girl kiss another boy was my first crisis, my first taste of pain that can’t be solved by an aspirin or a little plaster and a hug.

So 18 was in 1997, by all accounts a year of hope, D-ream where telling us things can only get better, the bright rising star of politics, Mr Tony Blair, is going to close the years of rule under the Tories and I am Living the dream of a student at music college in Cambridge, playing gigs and getting high. To tell the truth I don’t really remember that year so no point in going on.

27 so that would be 2008 and i most definitely had a crisis of confidence, i switched jobs, possibly twice and ended up in a lower paid position but in a much better place. I guess this was much longer than the fleeting moment of childhood all those years ago.

And then its to the future and whatever that may hold but supposedly at least this one will have an end! and i’ve got four years till that gets here. it seems to pan out about right.

So thats it my allowance of four crisis set out by ‘They’, increasing in length until there is no longer any length left, but hang on I have had far more crisis than that. We all have, we have all had time where we just wish we could just sleep until it all goes away. How many times can we take a severe bludgeoning of spirit? How many times can we listen to the same melody of melancholy? How many times can we climb the mountain to find that we have reached a false top and that the Boers hold a higher position and are firing down upon us while we lie in uncovered ground?

I’ll tell you. Innumerable. If we fall down we get back up again, no matter how long we have been on the floor. If the music gets to much we stick on a different CD and get on with the boogie. If we are in an unattainable position and all seems hopeless we listen for the bugle to sound the charge of the cavalry as your friend come in the nick of time and get you to the top. Never let anyone tell you how many times you must endure the lows just remember to celebrate the highs. Hold on to friendship, family and the spirit of the human race. Remember that taxi driver who waved goodbye to the fair because you lost your wallet. Remember the kind person who helped you pick up the money you had just dropped getting on the bus and smile. In the words of someone (the name escapes me) “if you can’t be with the one you love, love the one your with”. Smile at everyone and everyone will smile. Most importantly:


DO A LITTLE DANCE, MAKE A LITTLE LOVE AND GET DOWN TONIGHT.


THAT IS ALL.

Back to my angry self next blog i promise. ;)