Okay, so for this you will require:
One mirror
A tape recorder or some kind of dictaphone
A box of tissues (just in case)
All ready? Right, then lets begin.
Look at your face, I mean really look at it, look deep into those eyes, look at the crows feet, look at your nasal hair, the blotchy skin. Have a good deep look.
Now grab that Dictaphone or whatever and just say you name over and over again, now listen back to it whilst looking at your face in the mirror. Keep looking, keep listening.
How does it make you feel? Does it make you feel sad, lonely and unwanted?
Well I can tell you how your face and voice make me feel. DEPRESSED. I Mean really, really depressed, so depressed that I would leak some kind of effluent if I was a fruit. And I bet you only look in the mirror every now and then, only actually listen to you voice when your alone, which is a lot. Can i sue you for this bad vibe your giving off? If I can sue someone because of an accident or the council because a paving stones come loose and I, being a feckless idiot, am not looking where I was going, surely there must be some kind of company out there that provides this kind of service, its probably got some kind of shoddy advert with a Z list celebratory shouting, telling me “YOU ARE WORTH IT”, but then again the company would just have to sue itself because hapless Z list fucks make most of us feel hopeless. If I was in America I would litigate your arse, which by the way is massive, I would have you put down for all the misery you bring to all those people who have to just be near you. And then theres the stories, four hours long without a single joke, punchline, point or relevance, just like you, no relevance.
So wheres my compensation? Which benefit book do the government have to send me? or do you yourself pay extra national insurance just to give the NHS more money for the drugs they have to supply just to take the edge off of the misery you spread? Well you should.
That is all.
P.S. we all know some like this
